


Uncatalogued and Uncategorized

by lick



Category: The Murderbot Diaries - Martha Wells
Genre: A lot of assumptions about SecUnit physiology, ART tries to be nice but ART is still ART, Alternate POV, Book 5: Network Effect, Character Study, Gen, Podfic & Podficced Works, Podfic Length: 10-20 Minutes, Three explores its body but in a not sexual way, Three is confused, introspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:21:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29763696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lick/pseuds/lick
Summary: SecUnit 3 discovers that a hot shower is a good place to work out tangled thoughts.Includes podfic read by the author.
Relationships: Asshole Research Transport & SecUnit 3
Comments: 18
Kudos: 51
Collections: 3/3 for Three





	Uncatalogued and Uncategorized

**Author's Note:**

> time wise, this fic takes place right before Three asks Murderbot for its files in Chapter 20 of Network Effect.
> 
> i'm a newbie at audio, and fucked up the channels a little bit... so just listen with headphones lol. (sorry if i'm a bit of a fast reader for you... i'll keep practicing for next time :^))

I am hiding in the cabin, staring at the wall, when the transport _Perihelion_ pings me on a private channel.

 _Perihelion_ : _You need to bathe._

I reply in the feed, immediately, _That is rude._

Mere cycles ago, a response like that would have been inconceivable for me to give. But cycles ago, a transport that behaves like _Perihelion_ does would also be inconceivable. _Perihelion’s_ crew and the other SecUnit talk to it this way, so my assessments tell me that this response is unlikely to trigger retaliation. My assessments are a bit belated though, because I didn’t finish calculating them before I responded.

I await an admonishment that doesn’t come.

I do know _Perihelion_ is correct. At least four cycles have passed since I disabled my governor module, and they have not been easy cycles. My levels have been all off the whole time, and the organic components of my body have secreted sweat in response to my stress. I’ve been a lot more stressed than usual.

Bathing is necessary less often for a SecUnit than a human client. It’s not something the clients pay much attention to, when they never see a SecUnit without its armour. Beneath the armour, a suit skin can also absorb much more sweat than human clothing before it is soiled. But now I wear neither armour nor a suit skin. I wear human clothes, because I was prompted to do so by _Perihelion_ ’s crew and the other SecUnit’s clients. I’m still getting used to them. (The clothes. Well, actually, both the clothes and the clients.)

 _Perihelion_ : _You smell_.

 _You do not have an olfactory sense_ , I reply.

 _Perihelion_ : _How do you know?_

I know that I smell unpleasant. I can smell it on my skin and my clothes if I don't filter out the input from my nose. I had changed my clothes each cycle at _Perihelion's_ (impossible to ignore) prompting. At a certain point, that stopped working because it was my body that needed to be washed, not the clothes.

For the better part of the last cycle, I hid in the cabin _Perihelion’s_ crew assigned to me, because I didn’t want to run into any of _Perihelion's_ crew or the other humans in my current state. I’m not sure where the self-consciousness came from, or why it felt so important to me.

I tell _Perihelion_ , _There are no facilities indicated on your schematic that I can use to bathe._

It replies at a slower interval than it usually does.

 _Perihelion_ : _Your cabin has an attached bathroom._

I inform it, _That is a facility for humans._

 _Perihelion_ : _It is also a facility for SecUnits._

In Barish-Estranza colony reclamation groups, each SecUnit is scheduled to bathe once every fifteen cycles. But Explorer Task Group was first compromised many cycles ago, and I have not bathed since before first contact with the colony planet. By all the protocols, I am long overdue.

Following protocol has been helpful for me to determine what I should do these last four cycles (no human nor rogue SecUnit has provided any instruction, and _Perihelion_ has provided what are more aptly described as _threats_ than _instructions_ ), but this is one protocol I wish I could ignore.

I hear the sound of a cabin door opening. I freeze. My shoulders tighten and a strange instinct tells me that a human has entered my cabin. I feel this way even though I have a drone posted outside my cabin and know that no one has approached. I turn away from the wall and note that my cabin door to the hallway is still closed. Instead, the bathroom door is open. I feel the attention of _Perihelion_ in my feed. I hesitate and cross the threshold into the bathroom.

It is warm inside the bathroom. This is different from the hygiene unit attached to the Explorer Task Group ready room, which was always cold.

Above the sink there is a large mirror. I find myself distracted by it. I have watched myself on security cameras before, but this is different. I study my face, my eyes. I have never had the chance to examine myself at leisure in a mirror before.

I notice asymmetries in my face. One eye does not open as widely as the other. There is a faint scar in my left eyebrow, a dip in the skin. There was an assignment about 10,000 hours ago where I was thrown a great distance in my armour, and my helmet face plate cracked. The broken glass cut my eyebrow. My damage was minimal and superficial, not severely affecting my performance reliability, so the clients didn't want to sink the power usage required for a repair and regrow cycle in my cubicle. I had to wait for the cut to heal on its own, cannibalizing other resources from the rest of my system. I haven't regenerated the skin on my face for a long time, so the scar remains.

It is hard to reconcile the image I see with the abstract idea of _me._ I have always been anonymous and interchangeable. Cataloguing features that distinguish me from others feels very important right now.

 _Perihelion_ has not said anything, but I know it is watching me, riding my feed. I tear my eyes away from the mirror and begin stripping my clothes off.

I actually stumble a little trying to get the pants off when the hem catches on a joint in my foot. I’ve decided I don’t like human clothes. They are delicate and damaged easily, and keep getting in the way. I also do not like the seams on the interior of my human clothes that touch my legs and shoulders.

(Human clothes are much easier to put on and remove than a suit skin. If you don’t get them stuck on grooves in your feet.)

When I am done undressing, I put all my clothes in the recycler.

I glance at myself in the mirror again and cringe a little now that all of my inorganic parts are visible. They are silvery and reflect the light. They are cold and unyielding. They make a stark contrast to my deep brown skin.

When we got back from the colony, I watched _Perihelion’s_ crew and the other SecUnit’s clients tend to SecUnit's damage in Medical. I remember when they cut away its clothes to get to the wounds beneath and exposed its inorganic components. _Perihelion’s_ crew had stared curiously at it. I wonder what the humans think of our bodies. Then I think maybe I am better off not knowing.

Even though the bathroom is heated, now that I have taken off my clothes, I shiver a little and feel goosebumps prickle my organic skin.

 _Perihelion_ : _You will be warm when you get in the shower._

I do not answer. I do not dignify that with an answer. It is a lie.

The reason I always hated bathing is the cold water. I can tune down my pain sensors, but I cannot filter all the sensory input I receive from my organic skin, and cold water is one of the most unpleasant sensations I have catalogued. I find the sensation of it shocking, especially when I wash it over the places where metal joints meet organic flesh and both parts scream with discomfort.

(I discovered recently that disobeying the governor module and trying to move when you’re in stand down mode feels similar to that.)

But the governor module is gone. It’s gone.

Gone.

I am alarmed by the noise of the shower turning on. I do not like the unexpected sound of running water hitting the ceramic walls of the shower stall.

 _Perihelion_ , insistently: _The water is warm._

I stare at the shower unit. I do not think I believe _Perihelion_.

 _Perihelion_ : _Perhaps it is not just SecUnit. Maybe all constructs_ are _illogical._

I feel like I am missing out on a joke. Having a client make fun of me to my face is familiar but having a bot do it in my feed is not. I want to go back into my cabin and stare at the wall until another cycle passes.

However, I would like to patrol again. Protocols suggest I should patrol the ship at least three times a day. I haven’t done it today, because I felt self-conscious without my armour. I want to clean up but… I’m just not sure.

I ask _Perihelion_ : _Are you sure?_

 _Perihelio_ n: _Yes._

I am still hesitant. However, I determine that there is little risk in testing the water on my hand, so I open the shower door and tentatively place my hand under the spray. _Perihelion_ was not lying. It is so warm.

Before I’ve consciously made the decision, my whole body is in the shower. I’ve never felt like this before. Usually if I feel hot, it is from exertion, or a mechanical performance issue. These were sensations I had categorized as unpleasant. This is different. It’s good, and comforting. My performance reliability statistic has increased half a point.

All of my organic parts relax. I didn’t realize how tense my muscles were.

After a few minutes, I hear the dispenser in the wall make a noise. I stare at it.

 _Perihelion_ , in the feed: _It’s for your skin. There is solvent suitable for your mechanical components in Engineering._

I don't reply.

 _Perihelion_ , defensively: _I would deliver it directly to you through the dispenser if I could, but it is stored in bottles and I would need to dispatch it via drone to bring it to your bathroom._

I tell it, _You don’t need to do that._

I feel it turn its attention away from me, and once it does even more tension eases. I know that _Perihelion_ is still aware of me (it is omniscient within the confines of its hull) but its attention is elsewhere now, and I realize this is likely the closest I have ever come to complete privacy.

(A cubicle gives the illusion of privacy, but with a governor module there are no secrets, no actions or thoughts you can be sure will not be scrutinized by a human supervisor or an algorithm.)

I place my hand in the dispenser and soap comes out. I rub it between my fingers, and it bubbles. I sniff it, but it is unscented. I can smell faint traces of vegetable oil. I put my hand back under the water and it washes it away without a trace.

This is a product for humans.

Part of me tenses, waiting for punishment, but it doesn’t come. It will never come.

It is unbelievable that I am using a luxury like this. I try to think about what it would’ve taken to access it before disabling the governor module without triggering punishment. It is bizarre to have it given to me. The hot water is a luxury too. Does _Perihelion_ have any idea how wasteful it is to offer such amenities to a SecUnit?

I wet one of the rags from the recycler and dispense more soap onto it. I begin working down my body, rubbing the soap into my skin gently. I start with the strong muscles in my arms, then the wide swathes of flesh on my back. My legs take longer, because the patches of organic flesh on them are smaller and disconnected from each other, but each need to be individually washed.

I am waiting for the itching to come, but it doesn’t.

On every assignment we ever had, I and SecUnits 001 and 002 were rationed a solvent for all purpose cleaning. It was rated for use on both organic and inorganic components.

The other reason I had wanted to avoid bathing was the solvent. My skin always began itching not long after use. Within a few hours it blistered, sometimes bled, depending on the location of the blisters and my activity levels. At times when I did not suffer damage that would require my cubicle be activated for a repair sequence, the sores healed on their own, but slowly. In some parts of my body, areas well protected under armour and rarely damaged where the skin has not been regenerated for thousands of hours, there are faint scars from it.

I can turn off the itching feeling, and always do it preemptively after bathing. That doesn’t mean that the oozing and leaking blisters aren’t still a bothersome sensation at the edge of my awareness.

The soap _Perihelion_ supplied washes away easily though, and the redness I expect doesn’t creep in when it is gone. It does not itch. My skin feels clean and soft, not raw and stinging like it usually does after washing.

I lean my back against the cool ceramic wall of the shower stall, letting the hot water hit my chest and my face. I close my eyes, and try to focus my awareness, taking my attention off my inert drones guarding my cabin door and my greater awareness of _Perihelion’_ s feed. I want to focus on nothing but the comfort of this little slice of space. I want to catalogue the relaxation I feel and the sensation of hot water rushing down my body in exquisite detail. Maybe trying to figure out what to do with myself won’t be so bad if I get to keep taking hot showers like this.

Everything that has happened to me these past few cycles has been overwhelming. Humans keep wanting to talk to me, for some reason. There are no protocols and I don’t know what to do. I keep waiting for orders and punishments that never come. The enormity of the decisions that lay ahead of me is staggering. I am terrified of the unknown consequences of the choices I may make. I have only made a few choices before, and with such little experience I am terrified that I will make the wrong ones in the future.

After a long time, _Perihelion_ pings my feed. I ping back.

 _Perihelion_ : _It has been ninety minutes._

Immediately I brace myself, afraid. I know that resources like hot water are limited on most transports. What if there is not enough for the humans because of me?

I reply, _I’m sorry, I won’t do it again._ I wonder if _Perihelion_ notices my fear.

 _Perihelion_ : _You can if you want to. Whenever you want._

A pause. I have no idea what to say.

 _Perihelion_ : _I interrupted you because your skin will become dehydrated if you stay in hot water too long. It could become uncomfortable._

Oh.

I turn off the water and step out of the shower. A white towel tumbles out of the recycler, and I think it is perhaps the softest thing I have ever touched. It absorbs all of the water on my skin at the first pass, and as I finish drying off my body a new crew uniform tumbles out of the recycler too. The fabric is still warm beneath my fingers.

I dress and look at myself in the mirror again. My skin is faintly reddened from the prolonged exposure to heat, but it will fade. It doesn't look like the rough red of my skin when it is irritated by solvent. It is more of a glow.

It is strange that the humans here want to treat me like one of them. Standing before the mirror, having just washed my body, all the ways in which I am not like them are at the forefront of my mind. I am afraid. Maybe I am afraid of them. Or maybe I am afraid of being rejected by them. They like the other SecUnit, yes, but it has much more experience being rogue than me, a chance to develop a sense of self and independence in the absence of a governor module before it was expected to interact with humans. Perhaps they will find me too alien to understand, to like, to tolerate...

I say aloud, “I don’t know what to do.”

I can feel _Perihelion’s_ awareness bearing down on me, and I can’t help but hunch my shoulders, as if it is a real weight on my shoulders and not just a phantom one in the feed.

 _Perihelion_ : _You have not sought out SecUnit._

The other SecUnit has been online again for three cycles, I know. It is more than not seeking it out—I have avoided it. Having sifted through its memories, I feel a closeness towards it that I know is not reciprocated. Encountering Murderbot 2.0 was the most notable event in my entire existence. I had spent cycles waiting for the governor module or the hostiles to destroy me. That first connection from Murderbot 2.0 was a light in the darkness. It encountered me and changed me irrevocably when I was at the lowest point of my existence. Murderbot 2.0 came from the other SecUnit, but it was a separate instance of it. This SecUnit did not choose to share its memories with me, and the instance of it that did was destroyed. Maybe it is upset that I have seen them. I think of Murderbot 2.0 and the other SecUnit and I am afraid of all the ways they may not be the same.

Yet, all the information I have about how to exist now that the governor module is gone, how to _be_ came from this SecUnit originally—not Murderbot 2.0. The information is woefully incomplete though, and maybe that is why I still feel so paralyzed.

I do not know what I should do tomorrow, or the cycle after that, or the one after that. The remaining lifespan of my power cells feels interminably long.

I do have a plan though, for my next action. I will talk to the other SecUnit and ask for more information.

I guess I just have to figure out _how_ first.

I turn away from the mirror.

At least I won’t smell like a client mid-retrieval during this conversation.

I ping _Perihelion_ , and then hesitate. A greater portion of its awareness rests upon me. Finally, I tell it, _Thank you._

_the end_

**Author's Note:**

> *adds unnecessary “the end” to fic so fic is 3033 words long for Three on 3/3 🤡*


End file.
